Baby – Birthday

Reflecting on Trinity’s birthday:

I don’t remember much because by this time, all I could think about how unhappy I was in my life. I hated it and I didn’t know if I could survive. 

I wish I could remember every detail of my pregnancy or the day of her birth, but I don’t. 

Here’s what I do know. 

After she were born, I finally had a bit of peace. With 2 kids at home, the ex had no choice but to “babysit” (his words many times) our daughters while I rested and enjoyed my new girl. I faintly recall laying her in the center of my legs while sitting with my feet together in an almost Indian style position. I can’t see her face but I know we stared in each other’s eyes forever it seemed like. I used every single day of time allotted (by insurance, of course) to spend with her, alone.

She was my crybaby, but never with me. She wanted to her mother at every second.

I’m thankful I was able to spend the weekend before your 9th birthday with her. My wife and I had an impromptu BBQ with our girls and the neighbors kids. It wasn’t the best in our eyes, but she lit up like a siren. Excited that there was something for her. It turned out to be the highlight of our weekend.

Yet, it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough until things change. If they change.

12:11am

I am sad.

Maybe it’s just that time. That bitchy, manic, gassy, bloated, headache… “oh my aching back” time of the month.

But I miss my girls. My eldest is a blessing, but my youngest two should be here, with us.

Feeling judged by God as I pray for their fathers demise in one instance, and pray for forgiveness the next. All the while my mind is still hoping, wishing, for something to alter these circumstances we are all in. 

Me: A mother, alienated from her daughters. Angry that I’ve missed so much time and it’s only adding up. Again feeling judged for seeming selfish

Eldest: A sister, missing her sisters, neglected by her father for speaking truths, but missing her daddy, but not wanting him there at the same time.

Wife: Caught up. Hurting for her daughters, my relationship with them, for our eldest, and neglected – because all I can do is think of them.

CURRENT MOOD: 

If you’ve ever seen a scene where a person is being tortured, tied up from each limb and pulled/stretched… yup!

March 24th – Doomsday

I don’t want to talk about it [because I’ll cry], so here it is.

Thursday, March 23rd, my lawyer’s office reached out that we finally had a court date (go figure, scheduled at the last minute). After 6 months, the big day was finally here. You’d think I would’ve been ecstatic, but I was going to have to miss my daughter’s first track meet. My feather’s were ruffled, to say the least. She’s never participated in any extracurricular activities while in her father’s care and this was super important to her. Well, thank God for her stepmother who attended and filmed for me. [I appreciate you always]

So, the day had come where I’d find out whether or not the court would see past my ex’s narcissism and do what’s best for our children.

I had provided evidence of the neglect, of the lies, my ex-husband had shown/told over the past seven years. I’m no professional, so from what I was told, I may have provided too much information (i.e. photos, texts, emails, school records, etc.). However, I thought I finally had the upper hand and I’d prevail.

To my dismay, I did not. Yesterday, reports from several child protective service calls (calls I made, one he made – *eye roll*) were made available. I cannot disclose what was written, but i will say, no one except my lawyer and I could see that every person in his home had the exact same (planned) responses to their questions. Their words did not waver – lol. But in our home, we each responded differently. Strange. Can you say, morons?! Geeeez!!!

In the end, the judge decided that my daughter’s would remain in his care. My heart breaks because they will continue to suffer emotionally under his control. He treats them like girlfriends than the children they are. They will never learn how to be independent, strong, smart women who make good choices. It may seem a little unfair for me, the mother to say. But for people who know me, I have no filter. And when I used to keep things in, I’d eventually explode. So! my two young daughters are and will continue to be those kids you hate in public that misbehave. The kids that talk back to their parents [but it won’t fly in my home, that’s for DAMN sure]. The kids that grow to fast for their own good who start partying early and may even end up pregnant in high school.

“Daddy” will never be able to do what I can do. He will always be that abusive, self-centered, unintelligent, lazy, waste of space, he’s always been. Does it seem like I hate him? Well, no, not at all. Shoutout to YouTube for assisting him in raising my kids 90% of the time! Kudos!

I have decided to move on from filing motions after motions and wasting money when the court is full of judges who allow the abusive to thrive, the honest and forthright to fall.

Am I okay? Probably not. How can a mother accept that the father of her children kidnapped her daughters because he was heartbroken, moved them to 10 different schools, had them in hospitals for unnecessary issues, forced my “mom” title on 4 different women, and continues to lie about what he’s done and triumph in court, every time? I will never accept this, but I cannot and will not continue to do this. I love all of my children and I pray the two he has will one day open their eyes, stop being afraid of him, and realize what’s true.

Sadly, I will have to deal with the ongoing PARENTAL ALIENATION, being uninformed of activities they participate in, the verbal abuse via email – because fuck him if I ever answer a phone call/text from him again, the disrespect from my daughter’s who I will have to punish every time we are together instead of enjoying our time together. Despite it all, I will thrive, I will live. But for my eldest daughter, who resides with me, the emotional abuse from him will continue. The lies, the separation from her sisters he promotes. She will continue to be ignored and be told that she should call him instead of the other way around. And you know, I look forward to the day when he has to deal with her the day she decides to speak up about it. She will however, have the best life with me and her stepmother, regardless!

Alright. Okay. This is very all over the place, but so am I. Praying for patience, peace, and purpose. Now, back to my real life, with my wife and my eldest daughter.

Thanks in advance, for reading.

I got one!

Unfinished log.

Last year, I thought court would be over. I thought I’d have all of my girls and we’d be living happily together as a family of five. But to my dismay, that was not the case.

One good thing did come out of last year’s mess: My ex and I went to mediation, surpassing another court appearance and I asked for custody of my 12 year old. To my surprise, he agreed. I had done my research long enough to find that a child can “make their own decision” as to where they want to live at that age. Since he kidnapped my daughter’s 6 years ago, my eldest child had pleaded to live with me. Finally, we would both had what we needed. She needed a safe, positive home environment, most importantly, her mother, and I needed my daughter back. Oh what a relief it’s been.

Her Current Status: Happy, Loved, Missing her sisters, Loving her stepmother (more than me sometimes lol), Stable, Enjoys her school, Joined the school band – student council – world cultures club

Saturday.

It’s raining here on the east coast. Today. It’s laundry day.

Thinking about how much time I really need to spend blogging if I want to get my words out into the world. It’s going to be a process, if you read my intro, you know that I waste a lot of time doing – nothing.

Anyway, I was trying to be tough and was hopeful that I could get through this coming week without being a little heartbroken, but I’m failing. Wed, May 25th is my 2nd daughter’s 10th birthday… and of course, I will miss it because of #parental #alienation.

I wish I were more hopeful that the system will start to recognize parental alienation as a serious problem. I’m still waiting on a court date to find out whether or not I will get residential custody of my 3 daughter’s and as usual, it’s taking forever.

I wish I could shut my mind off. It’s impossible. I guess. In the past, I drank until I couldn’t feel. But because of my gene pool, I had to quit – or slow down, before it became a real issue. I smoked cigarettes to alleviate my anxiety. Occasionally, I still do. It’s hard to stop completely. Every time I get off the exit for a hearing, my heart starts pounding, then skipping beats, I can’t breathe, and I get lightheaded. Inhale. Exhale. That’s what my wife tells me to do. I just love her.

It’s not easy having spare time to sit and reminisce about children you birthed, but never get to see. I have to look/feel this scar on my stomach every day. I don’t want to see it anymore. Just knowing that each time the doctor cut into my body, could have been my last day on earth, and this is the thanks I get from the ex-hole. You’re welcome. For the children I spent months and months carrying alone, while you were out trying to be a thug, trying to be a kid, cheating, verbally abusing me. You’re welcome.

Oh and PS. Just because our daughter’s had to be surgically removed from my abdomen, doesn’t mean I’m any LESS of a woman. (That’s what he said to me) And according to the court, he deserves to be the custodial parent. Haha.

I just want to move forward with my life. All the way forward, not just halfway.

Nothing in particular

I’m sitting watching tv, searching for a job in real estate with no luck…

Thinking. What do I want to do with my life? I am so exhausted, from what I couldn’t even tell you. I’ve been waiting for this court date to find out if I’m going to get custody of my daughters. Every time I start to succeed or be happy, my soul gets weak and I procrastinate. I get sleepy. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t even want to go to work.

How can I be happy and work hard when I have to send money for kids I don’t see? I hate when people tell me I’m taking care of my children by having child support come out of my check every week… They are usually the folks who have been able to watch their children grow. Been able to participate in their lives. 

I don’t even know what size clothes they where. Did I tell you I have clothes for them from last summer with tags on them? I gave away my babies summer dresses. I mean, who knows when I’ll see them again, if ever. 

Im forgetting what they look like. What they sound like. They are growing so fast and I’m missing it all. I missed my baby learn how to write her ABCs. I should’ve been the one to show her. My oldest may or may not have started her menses (TMI), but I should be the one to take her to buy her feminine products. My middle child has become distant. She is afraid of disappointing her “dad”. Afraid of how he will feel if she loves me too. 

Ugh. That is all. 

Waiting Game…

So, I haven’t told you about the current custody battle. I am trying my best to be careful about what’s posted. I don’t want to get into trouble. I’m not built for jail. I’m too pretty!

So my daughters and I were ordered to go through some type of “transition” which I feel was unnecessary. It ended up being supervised visits [under the watch of a family therapist] despite what I was told. So annoying. Me? I need to be watched with my children – hilarious! What a conundrum!

Well, I reached out to the law clerk today, and to my surprise, they received the report from the therapist. Now, I wait (again!). I’ve just given myself major anxiety… and I can’t calm down. And I quit smoking – again.

My trip to Barbados could not come at a better time. Relax “girl on fire” – Cinna. Yes I am a woman of great strength like our beloved Katniss Everdeen [of Hunger Games].

Over the weekend, I did nothing but pray for God to bring my girls home. I hope this is part of his plan for us. Will I get custody? Or will the system fail us again?

We will see what this #_ (I’ve lost count) court appearance brings.

#parentalalienationawareness #emotionalabuseisstillabuse #mentalabuseisstillabuse #bringmybabieshome #prayformygirls #stopchildabuse

Mother’s Day

So, there’s one day in May where Mothers are recognized my their children, grandchildren, friends, family, society. It’s Mother’s Day. Oh how wonderful. Cards, flowers, jewelry, dinner, pinks and purples and lots of – stuff!

Well, Happy Mother’s Day. And Happy Mother’s Day to those women who don’t have their kids because of PARENTAL ALIENTATION. Like myself. 

There’s a room in my home for 3 little girls. It’s an unfinished room because I’m never sure how long they’ll be in my home. Our time spent together has been out of my control. God blessed me with these girls, yet “man” has been given control over my life as a mother. They have allowed a child (a supposed man) to manipulate the system and my children with lies. They have accepted his words without facts in black and white. They have ignored my records, documenting his detestable actions. 

We have been dragged through the mud. And it’s definitely a very trying time for me. For them, although they don’t know or understand it all. 

I’m praying for the day when they can be home in their room in Mommy’s house. When I can do our nightly ritual of music, running my figures through their hair, rubbing their backs until they fall asleep. When I can hear their giggles, comfort them when they cry, argue with them when they fight. Tell them their sisters and to love each other.

Gosh I miss my babies. My little women.

#parentalalienationawareness #emotionalabuseistillabuse #mentalabuseisstillabuse #stopchildabuse #prayformygirls #getittogetherNJ

A House Divided

I’ve never enjoyed watching sports until her… My wife, a girls head basketball coach, a former baller herself.

My team has always been the SPURS. Growing up in San Antonio makes you become this loyal being. Especially to family and friends. I have been and will always support my home team. I was present when Tim Duncan came into the family – literally, my mother fought through a crowd for a signature which she doesn’t have, which could’ve been worth something (Nice job, mother!). I was also there for my future baby daddy, Tony Parker – Ouuuuuiiiiii (aka Yaaaassss). Oh my gosh, his accent 😍😍😍

Anyway, my love is an actual basketball fan but as her wife, I’m pretty sure she needs to be on my side during ANY Spurs game, especially in the finals. But today, her actions made me feel some type of way. 

She was shouting for the other team to win… Saying not so nice things about my boys. What the-?! 

I don’t know what I should do… Sleep on the sofa, put her on the sofa… Separate, Dee-vorce. Well for her sake, none of those are an option, but I might just put a plastic snake under her pillow (she’s extremely afraid). Tee hee heeeeee. 

Well, doesn’t matter now, my boys have won the game as expected! Congrats Spurs! 

100-96

Signed,

A loyal fan – and Tony’s future baby mother 😘

Birds of a feather… ;) (says you)

Baby Mama #2

She was the one whom my ex-hole forced/allowed my daughters to call “Mama”, mom, mommy… “Mama” was special to me. My middle daughter called me that since she could speak. It was my name and hearing them say it about another woman stung like a paper cut (and we all know that feeling).

The girl and I disliked each other. She hated the ex-wife: all she knew was his side of the story (don’t you just hate that). And I hated the girl my kids called mom. I didn’t even care that their father was in a new relationship, I didn’t want him. I wanted my daughters.

We never had any dialogue besides the message I sent her via FB to warn of his vile personality. Of course, my voice was unheard, unwarranted. And now at 31, I realize, what women would listen to the infamous ‘Ex’. You’re going to assume the ex-wife (or girlfriend) wants to reclaim her throne and get her family back. Thankfully, for ME, that wasn’t the case.

A couple years later, I found out she was pregnant. It was at a time when they were “separated”. He relayed this information by saying, “if I had another child, would you get back with me”. I’m thinking, sure, I’ll leave my beautiful wife, who treats me like gold, for you… a bum. The same alcoholic abuser who said they changed a million and one times. He said he wished the child was ours… he never wanted to have a child outside of us. All I could think was… poor girl. He was spreading his genes everywhere… and I felt sad. For him. For her. For my girls.

PS. I mentioned this girl I speak of as being Baby Mama #2 (but actually she’s #3, i know confusing). Well, BM #1 (although, I am referred to as #1), I will not discuss in my blogs. Basically, he has a daughter who’s few months older than my eldest. He has no relationship with the child, never has. My daughters don’t know her. No one sees her. She’s just out there in the world. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Moving on. 6 years later, BM #2 sent me a message on FB (ugh, it’s always facebook). I hate facebook.

She wanted to talk… I vaguely remember what the initial conversation was, but we were now on speaking terms and suddenly became more than just two women who made babies with the same douche.

We met, we connected. I met her son and what a blessing is this guy. A vibrant character, just like his sister (my youngest). Bad too LOL like someone else we know *rolls eyes*.

Since we met… we now text to discuss issues we both encounter in dealing with our ex when it comes to our children (child support, custody, court, etc.) We try to keep it about that… I really don’t want to discuss their past and I definitely don’t want to dredge up mine.

So one monday morning, today, she texted me.

Why can’t a “man” get a job? He claims to not work… meanwhile he works under the table for a family business. It’s so unfair. How do you get away with that? I’ve been ordered to pay a lot of money to this person and not see my girls (PARENTAL ALIENATION), barely allowing myself to get through the week.. and all because he lies about what he makes… or doesn’t.

Why is it okay to be threatened with court? With visitation changes? And all to get away with doing nothing. It’s never about being a parent or trying to co-parent. It’s always about himself.

ME… Me… me!

Yea I get it. We chose to have these children, but neither us or our children deserve the games played. Our children are innocent. And he is… a plague.

Also! They say (all over the internet) not to call the other parent names. And in my regular life, I rarely speak of him and NEVER speak negatively about him to my daughters. But on here… I will! respectfully (no curse words). I was a bitch, “not a real woman” because I had c-sections, a loser, a bum who wouldn’t amount to anything, a heathen I guess since I’m a lesbian LOL (he tells my girls Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve) and a plethora of other names. I reserve the right to take advice from the devil on my left shoulder.

*no names mentioned, so I don’t think this can be used in court* (if someone thinks otherwise, please comment.)